9 Steps to Quit a Bad Habit

Just about everyone in the world has a bad habit they’d like to quit.

Whether it’s smoking, sugar, shopping, nail biting, porn, excessive social media or TV, or any other distraction… for better or worse, we humans are wired for habitual behaviour.

The problem is, most of us are too comfortable in our groove to bother with the cruel and merciless task of reprogramming our behaviours. So we choose the easy and safe path — staying stuck in a negative loop that neither fulfills nor evolves us, ever wondering what life would be like if we could only work up the courage and fortitude to burn away our limitations and leap into our unknown potential.

Trust me, I get it. Quitting a bad habit is hard. In fact, it takes everything we’ve got.

And on the path of extraordinary living, we are faced with endless opportunities to reprogram our patterns. A truly extraordinary life is a journey, not a destination – made up of a series of opportunities to become even better, even stronger, even more evolved than we were before.

Our ability to continually choose change and growth over comfort and predictability is what ultimately builds our character and a fulfilling life.

It’s hard to change ingrained patterns. But it’s doable.

Here are 9 powerful steps you can take to quit a bad habit:

(Note: You don’t need to follow every single step to quit a habit… but the more of them you do, the higher your chances of success will be. If you want to go all in, commit to all of them. Otherwise, get creative and see what works for you.)

  1. Have a big motivation.
    Lots of times people quit things because it sounds nice: “It would be nice to quit caffeine” or “how amazing would I feel if I quit drinking alcohol.” But ultimately this is weak motivation. What you need is a strong motivation.  A strong motivation has a direction: you are going away from smoking because_____  and you’re also going towards quitting smoking because____ A strong motivation is congruent with your Life Values. Saying “I’m going to quit smoking because it increases the risk of cancer” means nothing if “health” is not at the very top of your Values list. However saying “I am going to quit smoking because every cigarette I smoke might take away another year spent with my kids and loved ones” might hit the right spot if “family” is at the very top of your Values list. Know your Why, and connect with it throughout your Quit. Write it down at the very top of a document called your “Quit Plan.”
  2. Make a big commitment.
    Now that you know your motivation, be fully committed. A common mistake is to say, “I’ll do this today,” but then let yourself off the hook when the urges get strong or you start to face resistance. Instead, tell everyone about it. Ask for their help. Give them regular updates and be accountable. Have a support partner you can call on when you need help. Ask people not to let you off the hook. And know that, in the beginning, it’s going to feel like swimming against the current. Stick with it through thick and thin. Be all in.
  3. Be aware of your triggers.
    What events trigger your bad habit? Recognise that the habit doesn’t just happen… it is triggered by something else: you smoke when other people smoke, or you shop when you feel like you’re not enough, or you eat junk food when you’re stressed, or you watch porn when you’re lonely, or you check your social media when you feel the need to fill space in your day. Watch yourself for a few days and notice what triggers your habit. Make a list of all those triggers on your Quit Plan, and develop a strong awareness of when those triggers happen.
  4. Know what is the function of the habit
    This is a big one because it gets to the deeper root of the behaviour. We all have bad habits for a reason — they meet some kind of need (or at least leave us feeling like they do). For every trigger you wrote down, look at what specific need the habit might be meeting in that case. The habit might be helping you cope with stress. For some of the other triggers, it might help you to avoid something, or cope with sadness, boredom, loneliness, feeling bad about yourself, being sick, dealing with a crisis, or needing a break or treat or comfort. Write these needs down on your Quit Plan, and think of other healthier and more fulfilling ways you’d like to start meeting those needs when they inevitably arise in you in the form of cravings (which leads to #5).
  5. Have a replacement habit for each trigger.
    So what will you do when you face the trigger of stress? You can’t just not do your old bad habit — it will leave an unfilled need, a hole that you will end up filling with your old bad habit. You have to develop a good habit of doing when you get stressed, or when someone gets angry at you, or when you’re feeling bad about yourself, etc. Consciously choose a new positive habit for each of your triggers, and write them down on your Quit Plan.
  6. Watch the urges, and delay, delay, delay.
    You will likely get strong urges to return to your bad habit when the triggers happen, especially in the beginning or in moments of intensity. These urges are dangerous if you just act on them without thinking. Learn to recognise them as they happen, and create more space between your stimulus and the response. In that space, simply sit there and watch the urge rise and get stronger, and then shrink and fall. There is an ebb and flow to it. This is where awareness and mindfulness are built… in the spaces between things. So delay yourself. Stop what you’re doing and just breathe deeply. Remove distractions and create inner stillness. Become a witness to yourself. Be curious about that need, pay attention to it, stay with it and breathe through it. Go for a walk. Get out of the situation. Call someone if you need the support. Above all else, remember — the urge will go away if you just delay it.
  7. Do the new habit each time the trigger happens.
    This will take a lot of conscious effort — be very aware of when the trigger happens, and very aware of doing the new habit instead of the old automatic one. If you mess up, practice instant self-forgiveness, but you need to be very conscious of being consistent here, so the new habit will start to become automatic. This is one reason it’s difficult to start with changing bad habits — if there are multiple triggers that happen randomly throughout the day, it means you need to be conscious of your habit change all day, every day, for weeks or more. Difficult, but absolutely doable.
  8. Be aware of your thinking.
    Human beings have an amazing capacity for justifying bad habits with our thinking. You must watch your thoughts and realise when you’re making excuses for doing your old bad habit, or when you start feeling like giving up instead of sticking to your change. Don’t believe your rationalisations. Make choices you know you’ll be proud of. Tell your inner mind “thank you for sharing, but I will choose differently this time”
  9. Learn from mistakes.
    We all mess up sometimes — if you do, be forgiving and gentle with yourself, and don’t let one mistake derail you. See what happened, accept it, figure out a better plan for next time and improve. Write this on your Quit Plan. Your plan will get better and better as you continually improve it. In this way, mistakes are helping you improve the method.

“Using the power of decision gives you the capacity to get past any excuse to change any and every part of your life in an instant.” Tony Robbins

So make the decision, and stick with it. You got this!

It’s in our moments of decision that our destiny in shaped, again and again.

Family Holidays: Unforgettable without Breaking The Bank

One great challenge we as parents have to face every year is taking our kids on a family holiday in a nice place during the summer or Christmas time without breaking the bank. The moment that last school bell has tinkled, the holiday prices have taken off! Oh if you are a single parent your best hope is picnicking under a massive umbrella! Often the holiday deals based on 2 adults sharing seemed to me more like an incentive to stay together no-matter-what!

I remember the summer of 2013 when my ex-husband moved out. Left with my 3-year-old daughter, I was often dreaming of a nice holiday somewhere sunny. But how I could squeeze it in our already very tight budget? There are moments like this when rock bottom becomes the solid foundation for a new life because it is in the quietness of your own heart where insights are born.

holiday kids home exchangeThrough a miracle, I came across an amazing group home exchangers. I was a little sceptical at first. But I’ve done my research and decided to join in. In less than 10 days we secured an exchange with a Belgium family who had a holiday home in Tenerife. I paid just under £700 for the plane tickets for me and my daughter and a car rental. Off we went: 10 days in a serviced holiday apartments resort, in Tenerife in June! I must’ve spent another £400 there for food, petrol and fun fairs. However, in no form or shape, I could’ve afforded this if I had to book a hotel during the high season in Tenerife.

holiday kids home exchangeLater that summer we’ve exchanged with a lovely family of Dutch professors. We lived for 2 weeks in Breda, in a state of the art 3 storey townhouse! Apart from the tens of notes, leaflets and books with the best places to visit, the best places to eat and shop, their shopping vouchers and store fidelity cards, our exchange partners have also left us a parking permit, so we didn’t need to spend any money on parking right smack-bang in the middle of the town.

playmobil funparkThe following year 2014, however, was absolutely out of this world! We went full-blast! We went to Rugland in Germany for 2 weeks at Easter time. I took with my one of my friends’ son as well. It was incredible! The neighbours were incredibly friendly. They cooked for us, they invited us for dinner, they gave us chocolate bunnies for Easter. We visited so many places, but Playmobil Funpark must’ve been the top attraction for kids.

In May we went to Cannes for another 2 weeks for my 40th birthday. The flat we stayed was just across the Mediterranean sea. The views were astonishing! I was sipping wine every evening on the veranda overlooking the boats. Then we exchanged again with Nice in July. This time I invited my mother to join us – the flat was out of this world and our exchange partners, an English and Maths teachers in Nice, absolutely fantastic!

And no, we did not stop here! The entire month of August was spent in Valencia. The flat in Valencia downtown was a real jewel and the adventures in Spain were absolutely magical. We made so many great friends and visited so many incredible places.

All the plane tickets were booked in January-February which made it a great deal more affordable. It is very true that during that time most of my work was home-based, so I managed to pull this one off only because I had a secure income coming in whilst we were travelling and in all fairness, I would spend a lot of the time working. I had my laptop on the beach and answering emails in a cafe.

However, even if we had to stay indoors, it is much easier to keep kids entertained when they’ve got a house very often filled with loads of new toys to explore than a boring hotel room. We exchanged homes, cars, currencies, club cards, shopping cards, the lot! We lived just as the locals did. It was an incredibly reach experience for both of us and I couldn’t recommend it more. It has cost me a fraction of the local nurseries or childminders and my daughter could speak a little Spanish and a little French when she began preschool in September 2014.

Since then, I’ve joined several others home exchange platforms, some in the UK others in Europe but many of them proved themselves pretty lame whilst others completely inactive. So in time, I got to understand the importance of being part of a good, active home exchanging networking platform like HomeLink.

In the home exchanging business trust is paramount. And you cannot reach trust if the communication is not there. HomeLink and Caroline facilitate communication, have template contracts ready in place for you and help you like no others. I don’t need to mention them for advertising. My guess is that they’re doing very well. It is not every day that you get an email from the manager asking you whether you had your exchange quota for the year or whether you’d like to be featured in the newsletter to increase visibility. It is not every day that you get a discount even if you renew late. I mentioned their name only because I honestly believe it will save you lots of money and time if you tried this route. Because if you do, the only regret you’ll ever have is that you haven’t done it earlier!


Separation anxiety. Top issue with kids and parents these days! The truth is that the day I became a parent I didn’t realise that I was suddenly being promoted to The Great Captain of the ship role. And what great hurdle came along with those “Congratulations on your baby!” Not to mention, no user manual! So now that we know where we are at, wouldn’t it be awesome to understand a little about the cockpit before we begin to stir the ship through those sometimes calm, but very often rough waters?

Separation Anxiety vs Excitement

One first thing to understand when it comes to our thinking is that our minds respond to only 2 things: the images we create in our heads and the words we say to ourselves – during the early years your child will internalise and model your behaviour and your words. In fact, this is the basis of how we learn how to speak – we want to model our parents so badly that we begin to mimic the way they create phonemes and articulate. Now when we look at separation anxiety the one thing that is very useful to know is that our physical reaction to anxiety is very similar to our physical reaction to excitement. So similar we wouldn’t be able to tell the difference!

separation anxiety vs excitementNot convinced? Please picture in your mind’s eye a huge rollercoaster in a busy fun-park. When the train goes down the rollercoaster loads of people are screaming. Can you tell which one is scared and which one is having fun? Of course not! And that’s because our minds cannot distinguish between anxiety and excitement judging only by the reactions displayed on the body. It needs words to make the difference. So the trick with separation anxiety is to tell our minds that what we are experiencing is actually excitement, not fear!

It is perhaps worth noting here that if you are starting a new job, your feelings of nervousness could overlap and project onto your child. So try to resolve and own your state first.


First begin to look and adjust your existing anchors so that you are anchored into the state of mind you want to be in, and so that your children are also anchored into useful states of mind.

For example:

  1. woman wavinguse the waving goodbye anchor every time you wish to anchor the feelings of great joy, excitement and happiness! Every time they are at the playground, the play area or out surrounded by friends and you are spectating. When their eyes search for you keep waving and mimic saying the word “bye” – this way you create a reassuring, positive anchor when waving goodbye.  Repeat how exciting nursery is, how much fun they are going to have, how great it is to have new friends. Tell them how normal it is for everyone to feel excited about making new friends, learning new things, playing with new toys. Rehearse this anchor when leaving them with another adult for just a few minutes in the beginning. Increase the duration to 30mins to an hour.

  2. Have high energy anchors in the morning to wake your family up, and anchors for relaxation in the evening to calm the family down. Doing the same sequence of events before bed each day, at roughly the same time, helps relaxation. Slow down your voice and movements in the evening to help everyone relax; speed up in the morning to help them energise.

  3. Find out what music gets both you and your child into states of inspiration, calm, love, confidence and creativity – their favourite cartoons soundtracks is great starting point. Notice what pictures (for example photos of places where you have enjoyed being) create these states for you. Choose to make these anchors available where you want those states of the mind, you going to work and your child going to the nursery/childminder/preschool.

  4. Find out what are powerful positive anchors for your children and make these available for them. You can support your children in certain useful activities, such as reading books, by ingraining them with great anchors like holding them in your arms.

  5. Create positive anchors with touch by holding and hugging your children when they are in strong positive states, rather than just when they are sad. Help them to associate touch with positive states of mind first. Then you use touch to recreate these positive states when they are needed. To use your touching mainly as a method of punishing, controlling or pushing away your children is to anchor touch to unpleasant states of mind and take away from yourself one of the most positive anchors you have available. Make touch a positive anchor so that you can recreate those good feelings as needed – this is a big advantage of activities such as physical play and baby massage.

  6. You can also choose to use a special scent like lavender to spray on their clothes every time you take them to sensory play, the playground or any other place which is bound to be fun. You can also have a special treat you give them during a fun, exciting activity.

  7. Help them build their own anchors and teach them to fire those whenever they need to. During the age of miracles create a “happiness” button. Choose a certain spot on their body. A good spot is somewhere on their upper arm but perhaps avoid the BCG vaccine arm. Choose a time when they feel happy, excited or engrossed in an activity they love. Calmly and naturally touch it gently with a specific pressure you can remember later. Every time you cheer them, encourage and praise them for having succeeded in a task, touch that same spot with the same pressure. In time you will build up a very strong positive anchor. When they begin to step into the age of magic you can unveil this trick only they have the secret happiness button. Teach them to keep topping it up – every time they feel happy, confident or excited – they can store happiness every time they feel happy or excited and they can also release it just by touching it!


Being The Great Captain of the ship you probably need to know where you are going.  The awesome thing about returning to work is that at least you know where you are heading! Your child will attend some form of childcare. Even if you plan for homeschooling chances are that there will come a time when you and your child will have to move in different directions for short periods of time.

Knowing that’s coming next gives you the chance to start planning in advance!

We usually look at reverse engineering to plant the anchors smartly. Just close your eyes and imagine the days when you’ll take your child to a childcare setting. Then identify the main segments of the morning. For example, breakfast, getting dressed, getting in the car, walking to the nursery, saying goodbye.

Fire the various anchors of confidence, happiness and excitement at the beginning and throughout those segments:

  1. breakfast – you can start it with an auditory anchor “Breakfast is ready!”, followed by the smell and taste of a comforting morning breakfast.
  2. getting dressed – what great opportunity to slip in that magical scent you’ve already anchored! Let them have their favourite “side-kick” toy. You can reinforce how much fun Mr Cuddles is about to have at the setting!
  3. getting in the car – time to play and sing-along those lovely soundtracks. Let the new adventure begin!
  4. walking to the nursery – create genuine rapport by verbally describing their physical symptoms. “oh wow, I’ve got butterflies in the tummy and a jumping heart!” for example. Lead them to excitement, instead of nervousness. Tell them how happy the butterflies are that he or she are going to the childcare setting. Share with them how his or her little heart bounces up and down with joy and happiness.

Test your anchors every time you can. Use every occasion to reinforce their functionality. When challenging situations arise test an anchor. Notice the change. The aim is to anchor empowerment and wonderment. The image of you leaving setting should trigger independence and excitement, not of separation anxiety. During the settlement period at the nursery, spend time reinforcing how exciting everything is and how much fun they have! Remind them about their secret magic button. Every time they need a little happiness and confidence they can fire it up by touching it.

Always applaud how well they are doing. Prize them of how amazing they are at making new friends and talking to the teachers. Very very soon, they will be skipping to nursery or gladly leave you behind once the childminder’s door opens!



I found this emotional guidance scale very useful when trying to get onto a better emotional state. Very often we feel stuck in sadness or depression avoiding blaming others, or feeling angry. The emotional guidance scale shows your way out. By asking the relevant question to elicit the next higher state you can guide your own mind towards joy, love and appreciation.

1. Joy/Appreciation/Empowered/Freedom/Love
2. Passion
3. Enthusiasm/Eagerness/Happiness
4. Positive Expectation/Belief
5. Optimism
6. Hopefulness
7. Contentment
8. Boredom
9. Pessimism
10. Frustration/Irritation/Impatience
11. Overwhelment
12. Disappointment
13. Doubt
14. Worry
15. Blame
16. Discouragement
17. Anger
18. Revenge
19. Hatred/Rage
20. Jealousy
21. Insecurity/Guilt/Unworthiness
22. Fear/Grief/Depression/Despair/Powerlessness


(Source: “Ask and It is Given” by Abraham-Hicks pg. 114)

Exam Anxiety: Top 5 tips to turn frustration into excitement

nlp exam anxietyThe NLP and Hypnotherapy combo is often used very successfully at terminating exams anxiety for good. [Lashkarian & Sayadia 2015: 510-516 ] Although many practitioners might get your child to relax and feel confident and happy about the upcoming exams, my approach and point of view as an NLP practitioner and most importantly as a mother is very different. In fact, it is quite the opposite! And the reason is because those exam nerves might be caused by the legitimate fear of not being prepared well enough. In this case scenario having a professional therapist getting them to visualise stepping into a golden square feeling strong, feeling confident, feeling happy, feeling relaxed and joyful, bursting with unshakable confidence is a great mistake.

exam anxiety – a secondary effect of the current system?

What we currently find is that our schooling system leaves the sense of empowerment outside the pupils’ reach. The teacher, the parent or the tutor is the guardian of certainty and the child is left with the doubt. The teacher tells you that you are done and whether you are right or wrong. Again it is the teacher who asks you to read your book out loud to prove that you’ve read it at home. Inadvertently what we install in our children’s psyche is a willingness to please the figure of authority. [Bandler 2017:41] The exam nerves are only a secondary effect of placing the power elsewhere. The question we need to ask ourselves is:

Is learning fun for our kids?

Of course, I can almost hear your thoughts at this point saying “but if we were to give the answers to my children, they would probably just turn the page and copy the answer. They will never learn anything. If we never listened to them reading out loud how we would know they read anything at all?” And you were too right of course because, in the current scheme of things, the child’s focus isn’t in getting the right answer; the focus is in getting over the pain! The issue is not that the student is looking for the prize through a minimum effort. They want please the teacher rather than themselves. [Bandler 2017:45] That’s what they’ve been trained to do.

Moving the fun in getting the answer right

Teaching a child to add 5 and 7 and get the answer 12 is great. The issue is that there is a countless number of numbers! Teaching them every single combination is incredibly lucrative and pretty pointless when the authority figure leaves the building. We need to implement a learning strategy so that when seeing those numbers the children want to know the answer. The fun needs to be equated with feeling clever and smart. This will fire the interest in building those charts in their heads. [Bandler 2017:47] They will know that having a chart helps them get the answer faster. And guess what: the faster they get the answer, the more fun it is!

Why bothering to learn how to spell a word? Because it just feels great doing the right thing! If your child gets 10 words right today, the next time they will want to learn more new words. Because it is fun! And we all love to feel good and have fun.

Building in the desire to find the right answers for the pleasure they get is a much stronger foundation for their future. Let them grade their own mock tests so they know exactly how they’re doing. Retaking the same test from time to time so they see how many more answers they got right empowers them. When they’ve completed the test entirely they will feel the fun and the satisfaction of their own result.

This way we could reduce all the grading structure to simply an “A” or an “Incomplete”[Toffler 1970:52]


#1 remain in charge

When our children perceive us as steady and calm – regardless of their moods or behaviour – they can relax, knowing that they can rely on us to get them through the challenging moments of their lives. Susan Steiffleman

As Captains of the Ship, our role is to remain in charge no matter what the wind of change brings. Susan Steiffleman explains in her book Parenting without Power Struggles: control is an attempt to compensate for feeling powerless or afraid. Being in charge means that we’re keeping our cool even when the seas are rough – or our kids are pushing our buttons, defying our requests, or melting down. [Steiffleman 2012:8] The Work of Byron Katie is a great approach based on the understanding that it is never the events around us that trigger our upset, but our thoughts about those events. In the context of parenting, it’s our beliefs and stories about how our kids should behave that cause us to lose our cool.The work is about challenging these unless beliefs and reactions in order to rid ourselves of their negative influence on how we respond to the challenges of parenting.

#2 observe & pace

Once we’ve managed to calmly detach yourself from the “they shouldn’t behave like that” movie and relinquished the negative thinking, we are free to stay present with whatever arises: holding the space for our children and allowing them to manifest their feelings. We want to be able to match their feelings, showing compassion and empathy – so that they feel completely understood and supported in their feelings. That doesn’t mean that we are agreeing with their wants, but it does mean that we legitimate their feelings, because truth to be told feeling frustrated or angry when things don’t go your way is quite normal. By dropping the resistance we reinforce the futility of the rebellious action. [Beever 2009:63]

There are many very effective ways to create rapport in NLP. However, we are only going to focus on a few. Firstly we probably have to physically get down to their level and sit at an angle, or near them rather than facing them directly. We will actively listen to them and withhold our judgement. Subtly matching with their body position, breathing at a similar rate and tone of voice will begin to dispel the inner resistance which normally arises from “I want to play on my iPad! I don’t want to do any homework! I hate school! You are the worst mum in the world! etc”

#3 if~ don’t ~ but ~ try

“If” is the choice giver. “If you do your homework, you can play on your Xbox” leaves room for a potential “no, thanks, I’m good. I’d rather watch a movie instead.” Swap “if” with “when” and magic happens “When you do your homework, you can play on your XBox” drops the element of choice completely.

“Don’t!” gets it done. Tell your children what you would like them to do rather than what you would like them to stop doing – our subconscious understands that something needs to exist first before it can rid of it. [Bandler, 2008:54] If I asked you “don’t think of a pink elephant on a blue blanket” you would notice that you just thought of a pink elephant on a blue blanket.

“But” is the eraser. Have you ever been chatting to someone and said something you hold to be true and they’ve started to respond “but…”? You know, don’t you that they are disagreeing in some way. The word “but” jars and it breaks rapport. It almost doesn’t matter what they say, you are expecting some disagreement. Whereas had they said “and….” you are expecting them to be adding to what you’ve just said. So this way, even if they are actually disagreeing you still see it as being friendly and supportive. “You’ve run really well in the race today but I think you could beat your best time soon.” turns into “You’ve run really well in the race today and I think you could beat your best time soon.” which is much more empowering. [Bandler 2010:32]

“Try” is very trying.  When we only “try” to do something we almost automatically imply failure. If I would turn to you saying “I’m trying to open this door!” what I’m conveying is that I cannot open it. It’s the same with the kids – when you’re asking them to try and do their homework you’re automatically disempowering them. Ask them to “just do it” is much more effective. If I pointed to a box on the floor and said to you “try and pick this box up” wouldn’t you expect it to be quite heavy? By using the word “try” we are confirming their suspicion that it may be difficult. [Bandler 2010:33]

#4 “yes” x3 = a free pass to Leading

Once rapport has reached and we feel that we are now in synch with our child, a great step is to test and reinforce this stage. What I do in my practice is begin to look for 3 yes-s.

I would start by repeating what they just said, so they know I listened to them “so you would love to play games instead of doing your homework, is that right?” (yes number 1) “well, I don’t blame you. Computer games seem so much fun. And you probably want to get to next level in this new game you started during the weekend, don’t you?” (yes number 2) “hmm… I can see what the dilemma is here: you think that if you begin to play now, you can do your homework later, but I asked you to do the homework first. Is that right?” (yes number 3)

Once I got my 3yes-s I can safely assume that the barriers of resistance lowered enough for my message to cross over – so I’ll go ahead and safely plant my first affirmation “OK, hon. I hear (see, feel) what you’re saying. And I also know that there is something else that will make you (stop for 2 seconds) feel really good. ”

Now that I’ve got their attention I can go and plant my second affirmation “Would you like to know what it is? Getting to the next level of the game when you’ve finished your homework. You will feel like an absolute double winner!” Don’t stop here. The trick is to top your offering up to a 4th yes is a no-brainer. “And to top it up, I’ll have your favourite pudding on the table tonight. Just do your homework RIGHT NOW. The sooner that’s done, the more time you will have for everything else.”

#5 BREAKing free from exam anxiety & FRUSTRATION

Sometimes, we find that during any project the path we are on doesn’t give us the result we are after. We get stuck. The feeling that arises is very often frustration which is completely natural – trying to banish frustration is self-defeating and dis-empowering. Telling your child “there is no need to get mad. well, kicking your feet won’t help. Throwing your pen is not going to solve this problem” are extremely good ways to increase and intensify resistance. Frustration needs to manifest, so let it arise with non-resistance. “Nonresistance doesn’t necessarily mean doing nothing. All it means is that any “doing” becomes nonreactive.” [Tolle 2005:215-216]

Furthermore, a great strategy when being stuck would be taking a step back and being in a new direction.  [Bandler 2016:47] I’ve put together a little game to help you to enable your children pushing through frustration instead of giving up. This little activity fun sheet is specifically designed to help with going from frustration to desire every time someone needs a little motivating.

Where should I email your
Free NLP activity fun sheet?

Switch from exam nerves to exam excitement with these practical & easy to follow activies

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Dr Bander R (2010) Make your life great. London: Harper Element
Dr Bandler R & Benson K (2016) Teaching Excellence: the definite guide to NLP for teaching and learning. USA: Bandler Benson Publications
Beever, Sue (2009) Happy Kids, Happy You: using NLP to bring out the best in ourselves and the children we care for
Lashkarian A, Sayadian S (2015) – The Effect of Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) Techniques on Young EFL Learners’ Motivation, Learning Improvement, and on Teacher’s Success. Procedia: Social and Behavioral Sciences 199 (3) 510-516
Toffler A (1970) Future Stock. USA: Bantam Books
Tolle E (2015) The Power of Now. London: Hodder & Stoughton Ltd
Steiffleman S (2012) Parenting without Power Struggles: Raising Happy, Resilient Kids while Staying Cool, Calm and Connected

Infertility: Hypnotherapy and NLP can drastically increase your ability to become pregnant

Infertility Cured There is a great volume of scientific research now available about the power of the mind over the body. Our beliefs about conception, pregnancy and birth can block our ability to conceive because of both conscious and unconscious fears.

The statistics show a 25% infertility rate in the western world. This rate a lot higher than anywhere else in the world. Even, more studies show that one in three couples in the Western world will be infertile within 10 years. And yet one in three couples in other parts of the world don’t share this statistic. The medical world is beginning to recognise that infertility is a secondary effect of a no longer useful thinking pattern. Spending too long trying to avoid pregnancy can become the greatest mental handicap to becoming pregnant.

Unexplained infertility means that there are no medical reasons underlying this symptom. You have perfectly good eggs, clear tubes, a healthy womb and the right hormones. Yet you are not conceiving. Furthermore, you don’t get pregnant when you relax. You actually get pregnant when you are expecting a baby, not wishing or hoping. Having a sense of expectancy, an unwavering belief, a deeply ingrained knowledge that your baby on its way. This sense of certainty commands directly to your mind to become pregnant immediately.

Infertile couple often conceive during adoption

Couples diagnosed with infertility often conceive during the process of adoption. They often conceive naturally after a successful IVF baby. Fully accepting themselves as parents determines the mind to detach from the fear of conceiving. They know it’s on its way, rather than the baby they wish would be on its way or hope for. In fact, couples undergoing adoption are asked to use birth control, even if they have been diagnosed with infertility. The reason is because the statistics of adoptive parents becoming pregnant, even before the adoption has completed, are quite high.

When the mind changes the body follows

Our bodies literally respond to our thoughts and to our beliefs, so if you think ‘I’m too old to get pregnant’ or ‘I’m too stressed to get pregnant’ or even if you worry that you can’t afford another baby, your mind and body will accept this literally. When you change the way you think you also change the chemistry in your body. And that’s simply because the pregnancy hormones are released are influenced directly by the way we think and the way we feel, so stress, anger, worry or other negative emotions can disrupt them. Worrying about IVF and focusing on the low statistics is very detrimental. 45% of the women I work with have success at the first IVF procedure because my unique technique of hypnotherapy, NLP and mindfulness can drastically improve your body’s ability to respond to IVF.

The strongest force in every human being is that the body has to match what is going on in the mind, it literally has to act in a way that is consistent with our thinking – it has no choice. Every thought you think has a physical reaction in the body. Thoughts are things and they have consequences; good thoughts have good consequences in the body, and negative thoughts eventually have negative consequences.

Another very strong force in the human psyche is that nothing in our lives will influence us more than the things we link to pain and pleasure. When we experience pain, the brain searches very hard for the cause of it, then it stores that information and does everything to ensure we don’t go through that experience again.

old outdated beliefs can seriously hinder your chances of becoming pregnant

Many women experience secondary infertility if their first birth experience was bad. They may have thought ‘I can never go through this again or said ‘this is unbearable, unendurable’ or words to that effect. They may have told their friends afterwards that giving birth was a nightmare or they may describe postnatal depression. These powerful and descriptive words make the mind link only pain to having a baby and may still be influencing you many years later, even though you actually want another baby, by making sure you don’t have one.

The good news is that you can very quickly get your mind linked absolute pleasure to being pregnant and to having a baby, rather than pain to the thought of giving birth or losing your figure or being exhausted and weepy after having a baby. The mind holds on to outdated information if it has been repeated often enough. Every time you used birth control you sent a powerful message to your mind: I don’t want to be pregnant, I don’t want a baby. Every time you took your pill, inserted the cap or used a condom your brain got the message loud and clear.

You linked absolute pain to having a baby when you use words like ‘this is hell’ if you got up for the night feeds or had a screaming newborn.  How many times do you think you have said to your partner ‘Use a condom I don’t want to get pregnant’ or ‘be careful- I don’t want a baby’. Your mind will have taken that literally, not just at that moment but always.

These words are subconsciously letting your body know you don’t want a baby and your body is responding by not creating one. But your body does not know when you have changed your mind and the old words are no longer applicable. This thought process is not automatically reversed.

hypnotherapy increases your chance to become pregnant

However, hypnosis and NLP therapy can do an amazing job at reversing it. The British Medical Journal published a study where 554 women who diagnosed with unexplained infertility have been treated with hypnotherapy. 71.67% became pregnant. 349 came after failing elsewhere and they had exactly the same success rate.

Harvard Medical School recently published the results of a new study. A group of women were taught to replace negative thoughts with positive ones. 55% of that group went on to have a baby compared to only 20% of the control group. And that’s just positive thinking, nothing else.

Your unconscious mind is responsible for the functioning of all your organs. If your subconscious believes that your reproductive system is functioning successfully then it will be a peak performer. However, if it has accepted a suggestion that it is not in your interests to have a baby, then notwithstanding the fact that you are ovulating, your tubes are clear and your reproductive system is functioning normally – you might not have a baby.

visualisation can have a dramatic impact on our bodies

Your thoughts are enormously powerful and enormously effective. Every thought or feeling has a direct projection on your body. Your ovarian age can be younger than your actual age and my programme taps into this. You only need one sperm to conceive your baby and one perfect egg.

You have the power to influence that one perfect sperm to swim to and fertilise your egg. Your egg gives off a powerful chemical to draw the correct sperm to it. You can imagine this chemical as super-powerful and the sperm like a scud missile directed by the chemical to break the outer barrier of the egg.

Scientists in both America and Europe have proved that visualisation techniques dramatically impact on our bodies. When you see yourself as pregnant, you send a clear message to your brain that affects your energy levels, your hormones and your motivation. These changes cause physical sensations, which in turn affect your thoughts and feelings and reinforce the mental programming.

Thinking positively about conception and pregnancy can activate particular neurones in the brain. Those, in turn, secrete hormones such as endogenous opiates, which make us feel good about ourselves.

the words we say and the pictures we paint to ourselves have the final say

Negative thoughts have the opposite effect. They produce negative hormones such as cortisol, a stress hormone which leads to feelings of anxiety – one of the nature’s forms of birth control.

At the same time as forming different pictures in your mind, you must tell yourself different things. Eliminate every possible negative word. Focus only on what you wish to achieve and move towards it – a beautiful healthy baby.

We can train your mind to stay on what you want, and off what you don’t want. Whatever you focus on you will move towards. Focusing on not conceiving or not miscarrying simply puts negative words and images back into your mind.

Even the words trying for a baby implies failure. You don’t need to try. You can book your therapy session now to conceive, carry and deliver a perfect baby. All you need is one egg, one sperm, one womb and the conditioning in my programme to have a baby.

Mind: The top 3 rules of the mind used in NLP and hypnotherapy

golden mindHypnotherapy and NLP therapy use these top 3 rules of the mind to initiate change and, interestingly enough, they appear to be the exact same 3 most guarded secrets used by those one percenters of the population who live an uncompromised life. Could this be a simple coincidence? Living a life that you love seems to be on everyone’s minds these days. From positive thinking to written affirmations, to abundance workshops and whatnots; however, very few people manage how to achieve their goals in one area of their lives without compromising another.

The first thing in achieving anything is A. knowing where you are and B.knowing where you would like to get. So the first step would definitely be starting a journal, a blog or a vision board and create absolute clarity on what you want.

The trick is to focus on what you wish to achieve instead of what you would like to eliminate. “I want to lose my excess weight” is very different from “I want to see my ex’ s jaw dropping in admiration when we meet next ! I want to hear him going Hells Bells, you got hot!” So just close your eyes, take a deep breath and step into that future movie. Picture yourself reaching your desired destination – see what the new you sees, hear what the new you hears and most of all feel how good it feels. Make the sounds bolder, the colours brighter and the feelings more powerful.

Once you know your desired destination you can start initiating change. Although many other people believe that change is difficult, you are about to find out how to bring along your secret superpower to the table: your subconscious mind.

Miracles happen when we synchronise the conscious mind with the subconscious

If our brains had to process the extraordinary volume of information we input every second on a conscious level we would succumb into a mind meltdown. Luckily we’ve got an inbuilt filter called the Reticular Activating System (RAS) which sieves through all the info so that 90% of our perceptual input drops into our subconscious. It’s a no-brainer then that we can get our minds to work using all our retained info by resetting this RAS filter. Subsequently change is not only easy, it’s imminent.

SECRET#1. The mind does what it believes we want it to do

The mind’s number one job is to ensure our survival. Therefore if there is any pattern of behaviour that we would love to rid ourselves of, our mind probably operates on an outdated pattern of thinking or belief. Throughout our lives and especially during our early years when we are extremely suggestible our very well intentioned carers, teachers and preachers bombarded us with all sorts of mental commands – some of them very useful, many of them not so much. And we go on living our lives, only to discover with great frustration that although we always wanted the dream partner, the amazing job or the great wealth, things often turn out differently.

SECRET#2. The mind responds to only two things

We talk to ourselves and we run movies in our heads all the time. Our brilliant minds reset the RAS filter continuously to match our belief system which can be very outdated occasionally. The only way to update a belief is by resetting the RAS filter. We do that by changing the images we make in our minds and the words we say to ourselves. Telling yourself that you love pizza, but that you’re having a salad instead will only crank up the desire to have pizza and your mind will find lots of ways for you to have your pizza and eat it too. Remember your destination and use words and images that describe it as vividly and powerfully as you can.

SECRET#3. The mind loves what is familiar & resists what is unfamiliar

We are born with the subconscious need of belonging. Back in the olden days if you were outcast you were probably looking at a long and painful death. In time our DNA has passed on this need to ensure our survival as a species. We feel safe and “at home” when we act upon our habits.  It doesn’t matter how useless a habit is. Our mind will always try and go for it because it is familiar. However, any inadequate habit can be updated into a new useful one. Research shows that an action rehearsed for 28-30 days in a row becomes a habit. Even more, just by writing down your goal increases the chance of success by a whopping 50%! So write down your goals and rehearse daily your new thoughts and action. It will change your life.

Starting Nursery and Making New Friends

Tegan and Kay and they were best friends. They met in September, on Tegan’s first day at preschool. That warm late summer morning, both Tegan and her mum were very nervous as it was her first day at this new nursery – Little Acorns.

When they arrived there they learned that Tegan’s key worker wasn’t in that first week, which meant a bit of a wobbly start… so mum told Tegan that she would stop going to work that week so that together they could make new friends and get to know everyone.

They walked around, holding hands… most children knew each other from the previous year and played quite happily together without showing an interest in inviting Tegan to join in. Mum’s heart sank thinking that Tegan might felt left out. Then they saw this tall girl playing by herself in a tent. She seemed so much bigger and stronger than all the other kids. She suddenly noticed Tegan’s big worried eyes and said to her “hi, I’m Kay. What’s your name?” “Tegan.” “come in Tegan” – said Kay. She grabbed Tegan’s little hand and pulled her inside the tent and gave her a dolly. “Do you want to play with me? I and the toys are out camping.” Since that moment Tegan never turned her head back… and mum silently bowed to Kay inside her heart, in the deepest gratitude.

As time passed, Tegan started making new friends at Little Acorns, one day playing with one, another day with another, but Kay was the one whose eyes would sparkle every time they met. Life was good.

After a couple of months, however, when mum picked Tegan up she noticed quite a deep scratch on Tegan’s chin and another one under her left eye. She was asked me to fill in an accident form to acknowledge that a child has scratched Tegan. On the way home, mum asked Tegan what happened.

To her utter surprise Tegan answered “Kay did it“. “but why?” asked mum. what could Tegan do to upset Kay that badly? Tegan said “nothing. I didn’t do anything to upset her. She just came to me and scratched my face”. Mum found that very hard to believe, but she thought to herself oh well… kids, they’re bound to have the odd fight every now and again, and just left it at that.

The next day, however, Tegan had another scratch… and mum another form to fill in. When she asked what was going, Tegan’s mum was told it was an accident. And again, on the way home Tegan told mum that Kay did it, out of the blue. Completely unprovoked. This went on every other day for about a month, maybe more… to the point where Tegan had a specially made cream to tame the wounds that didn’t have enough time to heal. Mum had risen the issue with the management but has been told that there was not much they could do… they were not to discuss the child who abused Tegan, although they reassured her they kept a very close eye on that child. All they could say was that the child in question had some behavioural issues.

As far as Tegan was concerned the management said that she was the only kid that neither ran away nor said “no” to the abusive party. She just stood there waiting for it to happen. They said that feared that Tegan was lacking assertiveness. They advised her mother to respect her no-s to encourage her to voice it out loud if she didn’t like something.

Tegan’s mum was quite thrown aback by the whole story… Being a close friend of mine, she opened up to me. We both knew that Tegan was really very assertive. To the point where she could quite happily turn an entire house up-side-down to get things done her own way.  We both came up with a plan to undo what was happening. When they got home that afternoon mum sat down Tegan asked her why she thought Kay was hurting her. “because she loves me” was Tegan’s answer… Mum gave Tegan’s the biggest hug and told her that when people love someone they only want what is the best in the world for them, they certainly don’t want to hurt them. “unless they are like the new snow, mum”

When they got home that afternoon mum sat down Tegan asked her why she thought Kay was hurting her. “because she loves me” was Tegan’s answer… Mum gave Tegan’s the biggest hug and told her that when people love someone they only want what is the best in the world for them, they certainly don’t want to hurt them. “unless they are like the new snow, mum”

Tegan was talking about the past winter when she witnessed snowing for the first time… and the joy of running in the freshly laid snow, leaving footprints everywhere. We then understood that Kay was just a little jealous of Tegan’s new found friends.

The following day, mum and Tegan went to preschool holding hands. Mum walked directly to Kay kneeled down in front of her, took her little hand in hers, looked her in the eyes and asked Kay to forgive her. She told Kay how much it meant for her that was the only one to grab Tegan’s hand that first day at school. She apologised to Kay that she never got around to say a proper thank you. Kay’s eyes welled up with tears.  Tegan’s mum gave Kay a great big hug and told her that beautiful gesture she made has never been taken for granted.

They both share some tears and Tegan’s mum confined in Kay telling her that she was really concerned about a certain child who scratched Tegan’s face daily. She told Kay that she didn’t know who that child was but what she knew was that if there was anyone who could protect Tegan from that child, then Kay would be that person. Kay the hero, Kay the amazing, Kay the brave, Kay the great and nobody else. Surely enough, since that day Tegan’s face was never touched again. Kay had a great strategy, just expressed wrongly. By shifting it ever so slightly, we defused the inner battle and created a superhero, instead of a child with behavioural issues.